Friday, June 4, 2010

How I Feel Today

I have told my friend who is a priest in the ANiC that I am going to be received there, but now I have alot of Catholics proving to me that my intellectual 'escape route' has collapsed. It appears I am caught, and left with my true motive for leaving the Roman Catholic Church: I need assurance of God's grace and love towards me. I need to know that even though I haven't been to confession, God will still accept me with open arms.

Anyway, that's just me being honest, and I'm sure some Catholic will seize the opportunity to attack me for my behaviour. In any case, in my current weird position as an Anglo-Catholic holding Reformation soteriology, I've decided to really delve into the Fathers this summer, as well as exegesis on the issue of Justification. (to further confuse myself)

I came across this passage in St. Jerome's Letters tonight which was similar to how I feel sometimes:

"Oh! That I could behold the desert, lovelier to me than any city! Oh! That I could see those lonely spots made into a paradise by the saints that throng them! But since my sins prevent me from thrusting into your blessed company a head laden with every transgression, I adjure you (and I know that you can do it) by your prayers to deliver me from the darkness of this world... I have the will but not the power; this last can only come in answer to your prayers. For my part, I am like a sick sheep astray from the flock. Unless the good Shepherd shall place me on his shoulders and carry me back to the fold, (Luke 15:3-5) my steps will totter, and in the very effort of rising I shall find my feet give way. I am the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) who although I have squandered all the portion entrusted to me by my father, have not yet bowed the knee in submission to him; not yet have I commenced to put away from me the allurements of my former excesses. And because it is only a little while since I have begun not so much to abandon my vices as to desire to abandon them, the devil now ensnares me in new toils, he puts new stumbling-blocks in my path, he encompasses me on every side.

The seas around, and all around the main.

I find myself in mid-ocean, unwilling to retreat and unable to advance. It only remains that your prayers should win for me the gale of the Holy Spirit to waft me to the haven upon the desired shore." - Letter 2 (

please pray for me.


  1. Prayers for you my blog friend.

    I just sent you an email regarding what you say is the real reason (which I kind of guessed). It helped me to hang out/be roommates with solid Catholic guys struggling with the same sins as me. We talked a lot about our struggles and one of my friends reassured me (more than once) that you don't miss Heaven by an inch because you were wanting to go to Confession but circumstances prevented you and then you died suddenly. I feared that due to my scrupulosity, so I sympathize with you.

    Be not afraid! God loves you always--your greatest ally and best friend--a merciful Father who doesn't hand his sons rocks when they ask for bread.

  2. Andrew – you've been very much in my prayers this last few weeks and you will continue to be.

    There are paths even in the ocean (read Psalm 8, which speaks of sea creatures: 'whatever swims the paths of the seas.'). He who makes paths in the sea can certainly make a path for you and me. And remember what you wrote on the back of the business card: it's true.