Surprised by Joy

It's funny because I'm supposed to feel somber and solemn these days. My RC chaplain friend is pissed at me, and I have a bunch of papers due, but I can't help it. I'm not sad or scared.

I'm joyful.

I feel so free.

I haven't felt this good in so long. I have hope. I sing with St. Paul: "Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies." (Rom 8:33)

The Reformer of Wittenberg used to sign his name: Martinus Eleutherius, meaning Martin the Free One.

As an Anglican I used to pray daily in the morning Liturgy to the God, "whose service is perfect freedom". I love that phrase. It's beautiful.

I have the whole evening to myself, I could do anything, and I'm going to sit down, put on some pajamas, make some hot chocolate, and grab my biggest bible and a patristic commentary.

Just the thought that God unconditionally accepts me for Christ's sake is too marvellous to bear. This great crucified God, "[w]ho was delivered for our offences, and was raised again for our justification." (Rm 4:25).

Blessed be God forever.

For The Love Of God

"I have loved you, says the Lord.
But you say, ‘How have you loved us?’" - Malachi 1:2 (NRSV)

Ravi Zacharias preached on this passage the other day, it breaks your heart to think that this is how we humans react to God. God says he loves us an we question "how have you loved us".

A Baptist preacher once told me that we can't love anyone at all unless we see the love Christ has poured on us and allow it to overflow. Our love for God, ourselves, and our neighbour has to come from God, and only then will we be able to love.

I was listening to an exposition of the same preacher on "Splagnidzomai" which he said was the Greek word for compassion. It was the feeling of a churning of the bowels. Jesus is said to have looked at the crowds and have "splagnidzomai". When we understand the compassion and love Christ has for us, it changes our hearts.

This is pretty basic Christianity, but I'm always amazed at how easily I forget it, and how transformative it is. A friend was smoking weed near me once and laughing at my "morality", and he said "Do you think God really cares?". I pointed to the golden crucifix he was wearing and said "he seemed to care enough to die for it (his sin)". Suddenly he was quiet.

St. John of the Cross says that whenever we have difficulty in life, we should look at the cross and be silent. I think that's true, but we should remember the cross for an important reason. Not just asceticism or redemptive suffering, but understand that we were bought at a price. That Jesus freely accepted the cross, he embraced it, because of his love for us. Where Protestantism always emphasized faith, I've found it an interesting change to see how much Catholicism always emphasizes love.

Pope Benedict writes beautifully on the sacrifice of the cross and the sacrifice of the mass arguing that the Cross while a place of punishment, should first and foremost be seen as a place of love:

"Jesus knew that his hour had come to depart from this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end." - John 13:1 (NRSV)

I'm planning on reading the rest of Deus est Caritas, (God is Love) Pope Benedict XVI's first encyclical.

The God Who Stoops

I was once taught by a wise man that in Greek, grace meant to stoop in compassion and be willing to help. I remember reading the words in St. Luke's gospel which describe Jesus. There were 2 adjectives that he found after all his investigation, which described Jesus. "Grace & Truth". The painful part is the truth, it's the part that no one wants to hear, it's the part about everyone being on the ground. Before you can realize the beauty of a God who stoops to our level in compassion, you have to recognize that you're the one in need of help.

I had a bunch of my close friends from Bible School at my house last week, it was amazing how much we loved each other and respected each other, and yet how I'm sure if you asked each one of us, we would have been ashamed of many of our choices since Bible school. We would have many regrets (at least I do) but in spite of all that and the possibility that we knew the truth about each other's secret faillures, we still had grace and love for each other. I'm reminded by my friend Jenn quoting Oscar Wilde I believe, who said 'the best view of the stars is while laying in the gutter', or something to that extent. That kind of grace from my friends makes me remember why the gospel is so important.

In my lecture notes it says "nothing surpasses the gospel in relevance or urgency". Those words seem colloquial in Christianity, but more and more I think it is true. Jaroslav Pelikan once said "If Christ is raised, nothing else matters, if Christ is not raised, nothing else matters". I thought about that statement for probably longer than a healthy time, trying to figure out all that was being said. I think it means that if the gospel is true, and that Christ stands victorious over death and all else, then everything else is subordinate to the ultimate importance of that truth. And likewise, if the gospel is a lie, then life itself has no inherent meaning. The resurrection really is the proof of everything. It's such a beautiful picture, that God himself has walked through our path the first time in the person of Christ. He showed us our victory over death, and he walked every step of the journey. In the deepest part of my soul I want to be able to walk that path. I think my faith needs to be renewed in his grace, I need to believe in the God who stoops, the gracious God.

There's a prayer in the Rosary I prayed tonight, it's at the end of one version of the 'Hail, Holy Queen' and the line is "Pray for us, O holy Mother of God, that we may be made worthy of the promises of Christ." I don't know whether we are imputed Christ's righteousness, or whether we are infused with it, but in the everyday part of my life, this is my earnest prayer. That I might be made worthy of the promises of Christ. I think of those promises off the top of my head which seem so unreal, but so amazing, John 8:12 "I am the light of the world, whoever follows me will never walk in darkness but shall have the light of life". "I am the resurrection and the life, he who believes in me, though he die, will yet live". I love the verse that describes Abraham as a friend of God, I always talk about it with people and about at the end of Deuteronomy when it says that no one has ever known the Lord like Moses who spoke with God face to face. I want to be made worthy of the promises of Christ, and I think if I can - or rather if God can (for the Monergists in the crowd), then nothing else will matter... as Dr. Pelikan pointed out earlier.

Saved by Grace? Augustinian Problems

Systems are amazing. Systems make everyone organized and make sense of complex things. There is a system that is very prevalent and historic within Christianity it is called Augustinianism, and while I think it is possibly the best system for Christianity I believe that in my short life I have seen no proof of it outside the first few principles.

St. Augustine the doctor of Grace is one of my favourite authors - he may one day be my patron - who knows? He's the man who brought you the following ideas without you probably knowing it: Original Sin, Irresistible Grace, Eternality of Hell, Damnation of Unbaptized babies, Augustinian view of good works vs. Pelagian view, and sat on the Council of Carthage which helped decide the canon of scripture (which included the Apocrypha).

He's the man who said "Grace alone conquers sin" (and the lesser known 'I would not believe Scripture unless the church told me to').

His system is as such in my limited understanding - forgive my simplicity.
1. Man is Bad and unable to do good works
2. God enables man with Grace to cooperate with him
3. Man cooperates with God and is Sanctified/Justified/Regenerated

The end.

I've come to agree with St. Augustine on #1, but here's my problem, in Calivinsm, Augustinianism, and many other isms, the same pattern is shown, where ultimately long story short, bad person becomes good person by the grace of God.

Now of course in Lutheranism the bad person can stay bad and be saved, whereas for the Catholic, change must occur. But here's the problem. No one changes. I started out as a bad person, became a Christian, did some good stuff, did lots of bad stuff, and now live a fairly self-centred life. I'm 'trying' to do better, but the whole system says that I am unable to do better, only God can give me the grace to get better, well I've been waiting to cooperate, but I don't feel this lightning bolt of grace.

Irresistible grace is an even more confusing thing. In Calvinism I would just be zapped with Irresistible Grace and then I would be like a Jesus Robot until the energy of the Grace Lightning wore off. Or if I was one of the Reprobate it would just be lightning I guess, and I would burn, thus somehow making God feel better about himself? I'm still working that one out.

In daily life I find though, just alot of bad people. I mean I love people but everyone constantly sins. Even people I respect are probably just as bad as I am if I went into their daily lives. So where are the saints? where are the people who actually changed, who actually made it through the process of baptism, justification, regeneration, sanctification etc.... I don't know any of them. I just know people are bad, and sometimes God helps them to be better, but in the end they still aren't amazing, and usually not that much better than non-believers.

So once again the system sounds great, but I don't see it working.

This is why Lutheranism appeals to me, because with Extrinsic Justification (salvation outside ourselves) Christ won the victory. His merits are applied to us, and though we are bad, God sees us as good. As Old Marty said "At the same time I am both a great sinner and a great saint". No real change occurs - which is what I see in life.

Aside from scriptural problems and historical theology problems (aka. Luther being the first one to think it up), it sounds amazing. Tolkien called Catholicism 'the tale all men wish to be true' but I call Lutheranism/The alien righteousness of Christ 'the tale all men wish to be true'. I read Calvin's stuff on being Clothed in Righteousness and it's beautiful. As I said, I can't find it in church history, or in the Church Fathers and Creeds etc, and even have difficulty explaining all those other passages like Matthew 25 and James 2, but still, it's a great story. If it is true, praise Jesus, and if it isn't then it is still the most beautiful image I could think of.

Bono once said in an interview with Bill Hybels 'I believe in Grace, because I'm counting on it (to get to Heaven)', and I must say I echo his concern. It's 2 different views of grace, but all I know is I'm a bad person and I always will be, and I hope I have Christ's grace. But if it's this substance that Calvin describes, I'm screwed because I don't get zapped and suddenly feel overwhelmed to help my fellow man. Likewise if Catholicism is right and it's distributed via the sacraments, then none of the Catholics I know have been getting the right bread/Jesus because they live worse than I do. So where is the grace? where is the life change? I don't see it anywhere. So the only thing that seems logical is to believe it is outside ourselves - as Luther posited.

Luther & Calvin, you win this round

I've been struggling for months with this passage from "The Bondage and Liberation of the Will" by John Calvin. It is one of the fundamentally differing premises between Catholicism and Protestantism. Catholicism in it's common form is semi-pelagian, (even though it should be Augustinian), all this to say at it's simplest form: we can do go works, God expects it. Protestantism is usually (note the word usually) and Traditionally on Calvin and Luther's Depravity kick, which to say it it's simplest form: you suck. you will always suck.

Here's the quote:

"We say that man not only cannot do anything good but cannot even think it, so that he may learn to depend totally on God and, despairing of himself, to cast himself entirely upon him; and so that [man] may give the credit, if he has done anything good, to God and not to himself...by ourselves we are helpless"

Now this idea is a Protestant flavoured Augustinianism (arguably of course as Augustine did believe in merit), but aside from big labels that make me feel like I know the first thing about theology, I have found in my practical life that this is true.

Call me a post-modernist because I don't want to say it's true for everyone, but for me I am a terrible sinner. There is no way around it, I am just bad. I have tried so hard to be good, but I suck (as Mark Driscoll would say). I have found in my day to day life that I am helpless, I can't stop sinning.

It's St. Paul all over again with: "for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I." (Rm 7:15 KJV) and "For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing" (v.18).

I have felt what is called Regeneration in theology while at Bible School in England, I was a much better Christian than I am now. However even then I look at my prayer journal, and on days I would dream for now I write things like 'forgive my miserable sinfulness' etc (see Puritans for details). As horrific as it sounds I think Calvin is right, if I know nothing else about myself, I know that I am a terrible sinner, and that I must cast myself at Christ's feet if I am ever to be saved. I think I may have given up my belief in merit.

I am currently reading "True Spirituality" by Francis Schaeffer and it is a challenging book, last night I read the chapter on death to self and I actually sat there counting the cost and thinking about what being a Christian truly means. Ultimately I remembered my baptismal vows and my entry into the new covenant, and once again I will start over, trying to be a Christian, trying to fix my plethora of problems.

As David once probably prayed (another debate I'll ignore right now), I too must pray.

Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions. Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me...Create in me a clean heart, O God. -Psalm 51

The Ridiculous Realities Of Christianity

I was thinking about this the other day as I watched the biography of David Koresh, the leader of the Waco Brach Davidians who claimed to be a messiah etc. I could write an entire blog on him, but really I was just thinking about this one idea I got from it. That maybe cult leaders aren't as crazy as I always thought, because Christianity has some ridiculous claims.

If you actually do believe that Jesus will immenently return to earth or that the Anti-Christ could appear at any time and start seizing Christians, and that as Joel prophesied that the moon will turn to blood and the Day of the Lord will come upon us, it makes it hard to focus on alot of the more medial parts of life. I mean who wants to be doing laundry and miss the 2nd coming, really maybe those adventists and joho's who sat on mountains waiting for Jesus to return were just extremely sincere. I'm not advocating any of this - I'm an Amillenialist, so I won't be waiting on mountains anytime soon. But the reality is that if you really believe these ideas, you cannot be a normal person.

If you actually do believe that Jesus said 'go and sell all you have and give it to the poor among you' then you have to either live in a desert or the suburbs to find a loophole to the 'among you' part. But I mean it just doesn't make sense to me how Jesus preached take up your cross - equivalent to saying - take up your nooses, your handcuffs, and follow me. Sell everything. Basically become a communist. I'm sure alot of 'metaphorical' metaphors exist and that there are impressive exegetical gymnastics to get out of all those commands, but honestly, when people say 'you don't need to be so extreme' - where is that in the bible? Where is that in Church Tradition, or Christian history. Just read the life of St. Anthony of the Desert, he'll tell you what those verses mean. Ask the first generation of Christians that were labelled as masochists because they so desired martyrdom. I would be more open to someone telling me that Jesus was wrong or that his words are unapplicable to us, than someone telling me when he says 'take up your cross' he really means 'experience slight discomfort while praying in a restuarant' or any of the other 'modern equivalents'.

If you actually do believe that people will be sent to an eternity of eternal damnation for not hearing about Jesus, then maybe the people who ram the gospel down your throat are just acting in an honest way. If you believe that someone who is born in Mongolia and knows nothing about the Christian Triune God and will suffer the wages of sin for it, and you have the intellectual boldness to say that out of every single religion, out of every philosophy, mine is the only right one (or if you're 'humble' - my churches' philosophy). I've actually seen alot of this last one in my conversion to Catholicism, it's amazing how much people care about perceived 'heresy' (ironically defined as 'any teaching in conflict with the Magesterium of the Roman Catholic Church') more than about Christian living or about any of the above. I'm sorry for jabs at protestantism but I have to include the idea of one Eastern Orthodox who claimed all Protestants are crypto-papists (hidden papists) they believe that the Pope is not infallible but that they are. So congratulations Christendom we have acheived the appropriate level of Doctrinal honesty, we have hated enough and acted proud enough in our bold assertion of our own mutual claims of infalliblity... maybe we could start on the poverty issue now, and all the rest.

I guess I'm just trying to say, that in my mind, sometimes I think that you can't be a Christian and be normal. Sometimes I think (like Leo Tolstoy) that if Jesus Christ was on earth today, a very small group of people would like him. I don't think an honestly and integrally Christian worldview can ever be popular. I mean it is predicated on Jesus' statements that you will be persecuted. St. Paul says 'for all who wish to live a Godly live in Christ Jesus MUST be persecuted (Tim 3:12). You never see that verse on a bookmark at a Christian bookstore. I'm NOT saying that I live this out, please hear me again and again in saying that I do not live what I am complaining about out. I am no better than anyone I have criticized in practice. I just have come to believe that the only people I really think who are living out a biblically and historically Christian life are persecuted Christians of all kind in the 3rd world, missionaries, priests and all clergy who take vows of poverty, chastity, and celibacy, and others who can honestly say 'if I wasn't a Christian you wouldn't even be able to recognize me I would be so different' - I cannot say that, but I certainly am starting to think that being able to have the honesty to live a 'Real' Christian life, filled with worldly faillure, poverty (which is historically viewed as a Christian virtue), suffering, and the deepest devotion and Sacrifice for Christ, is alot more important than half the stuff we waste our lives caught up in. I'm not saying that those things are good in and of themselves, I mean there are many Muslims who do all that for their faith, I just mean motivated out of a love for God and grounded in that, all those things are to be our 'signs of success' in Christianity.

Thus I've come to believe that to truly be a Christian in the strictest sense, you have to be crazy.