Monday, June 29, 2009

New Catholic English Translation

I've just heard news - it might not be reliable - that Pope Benedict just announced the Catholic Church's new English translation of the Bible. It's a historic switch from the NRSV (New Revised Standard Version) to the NWSV (New Wrested Scripture Version). The announcement was complete with a list of favourite verses and their newly wrested versions, which I'm told will minimalize discrepancies between the Word and Church teaching. Here they are:

Ephesians 2:8-10 "For it is by sacraments you have been saved, through the church, not by faith in Christ, lest anyone should relax. For we are his workmanship created in Christ Jesus to be work work work and then die"

John 20:23 "Jesus breathed on them and said "receive apostlic succession, if you tag anyone, they're 'it', if you're'it' you can stop people from taking communion if they're remarried, and tell them they're going to Hell if they associatein any way shape or form interact, look at, touch, or dwell near, anyone who has, might have, or will in the future, get or assist in an abortion"

Matthew 28:20 "And Lo I might be with you always until the very end of the age, ...unless you screw up badly"

Romans 8:1 "so now there is condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus, (because he loses things easily)"

Romans 8:3 "The law of Moses could not save us, because it was too easy, so God put into effect a harder plan..."

Romans 8:4 "He did this so that the requirement of the law would be fully accopmlished by us"

Romans 8:28 "and we know that God foresaw everything which may or may not work together for the good of those who haven'tlost their salvation yet"

Romans 8:32 "since God did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won't God, who gave us Christ, also give us everything else? ...the answer of course is no, he won't, so start receiving the sacraments now"

Romans 8:34 "Who then will condemn us? Will Christ Jesus? ... obviously, what else is he going to do with a bunch of sinners like you"

Romans 8:35 "Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? ...Yes, many things. See Papal Encyclicals for more each year!"

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world he gave his one and only son, so that whoever joins his Church might not perish, if they follow all the rules, but will - unless martyred, or given indulgences - at the very least suffer a long process of burning known as: Purgatory"

Hebrews 10:11 "And every priest stands day after day at his service, offering again and again the same sacrifice that can never take away (mortal) sins. But when Christ had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, “he sat down at the right hand of God” and told his church not to forgive anyone else unless they went through the proper channels"

Matthew 22:36-37 "teacher which is the greatest commandment? Jesus replied "do not desacrate a communion wafer"

1 Timothy 2:5 "For there is one mediator between God and Man, the parish priest"

I hope you're as excited as I am for which verses they'll wrest next! :)


"in all his epistles, speaking in them of these things; in which are some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned and unstable wrest, as they do also the other scriptures, unto their own destruction." - 2 Peter 3:16 (KJV)

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